12-January-2010

We’re sorry to our squeamish readers for saying it, but gambling is as human as sex; not to get into some dry, historical argument or anything, but it’s true. Archeologists have found sheep-bone dice called “astragali” all over the planet, some dating back 40000 years. Meanwhile, the oldest recovered—ahem—“personal massage device” dates back only 28000 years.

It’s no surprise, then, that second only to lovey-doveyness gambling has always been one of the most popular things to write songs about. And to our minds it only makes sense. After all, who can tell the difference between the feelings of hitting a long string of bad beats and having your heart trampled by the girl or boy of your dreams?

So in the buildup to the release of our very own theme song, we here at AceHoyle.com started thinking about all the great gambling tunes out there. Then, as we often do, we took a totally different direction and began considering how these songs fit together.

Like say there were an “Adventures of Ace Hoyle” movie—what would be on the soundtrack? What songs would go with which scenes? We know it sounds awfully conceited of us, but we saw it as another great opportunity for our team to exercise its creativity. And, turns out, we’re all pretty satisfied with what we came up with.

We’d like to think of it as a sort of quintessential gambler’s playlist. And we’re pretty sure you will too. But why not take a gander below and see if you agree? As always, we’re totally open to suggestions, so if you take issue with one of our picks, don’t hesitate to let us know via our Contact Us form.

AceHoyle.com’s Fantasy Soundtrack

"Poker Face" - Lady Gaga (Chosen by Miles’s little sister)

Maybe because it’s popular, or maybe because it’s catchy, there’s just no way we could pass this one up. To our minds, it fits perfectly at the beginning, right when Ace is pulling in, strutting up and shaking babies. We’d like to think of the scene as something like one of the openers from “CSI: Miami”—with Ace, instead of Horatio Caine, spitting the obligatory one-liner.

Cool stuff about this song? Well, we did our digging, and one of our fave factoids is that Gaga’s “bluffin’ with my muffin” line—thought we worked in the sexual references above for no good reason, eh?—that little gem of a lyric originated in an unreleased song called “Blueberry Kisses.” It wasn’t an exact transfer, it seems, as the original line was something about a “Muffin man.” But any use of this bawdy metaphor is, in our eyes, helluva smashing.

(Oops. Did we just say “smashing” in reference to Lady G.’s “muffin”? Hmmm, I guess we did….)

"The Jack" – AC/DC (Chosen by Mike)

Story is far from plot, and as any salt-worthy movie maker will explain, it’s always good to mix up the order of events to keep your viewers guessing. That’s why the next song on our list is AC/DC’s “The Jack,” a bloody-good, bluesy grind from the kings of foulmouthed lyrics.

Imagine it playing in a flashback. Ace is sitting across from Dolly getting what-he-thought-were-the-nuts cracked while falling in love. Can he resist this mysterious shark of a vixen? And can you really expect him to “keep his head in the game” while staring down that low-cut neckline? On both counts, it’s safe to say, no.

The problem with offering some interesting trivia for this song is that there are so many cool tidbits about AC/DC. It ended up we had to pin a bunch of sticky notes to a dartboard on a Lazy Susan and nail said Lazy Susan to our CEO’s office door. As we explained to Mike while driving the nails in, there was simply no other way.

But don’t be down, dear reader. The darts really did choose better than we ever could have; what they came up with was how the video for “It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock ‘n’ Roll)”—which appeared on the same album as “The Jack”—inspired AC/DC’s fellow Aussies to rename a street in Melbourne “ACDC Lane.” Now how wild is that? We feel awesomer just imagining a stroll down it.

"Roulette" - System of a Down (Chosen by Miles)

Considering how much of a downer “Roulette” is, System of a Down’s band name is pretty darned appropriate. But every imaginary movie needs that awkwardly dramatic sequence—the one for the Oscar, if you will—and we feel this one plays perfectly when Ace falls into an existential crisis mid-game that makes him wonder, “Who am I?”; “What am I doing?”; “Is all this winning really worth it?”

Naturally, gambling’s original hero will snap out of it, but getting him funk-free will be part of the journey. Meanwhile, pop in System of a Down’s “Roulette” and imagine the self-doubt, the extravaganza of melancholy—and, of course, imagine us yukking it up for all it’s worth. Heck, maybe we’ll even throw in one of those god-awful scenes in which our hero has his back against a literal wall, staring at the ceiling as if begging the casino’s security cams for answers.

As for the lyrics themselves, we’ll admit they’re about as casino-centric as a convent. The only meaty gambling metaphor is “the wild might be the deuce”—which is what the literarians among us would call “mixed.” But, hey, you’ve got to give California’s favorite Armenian crooners a break. It was one of their very first songs, and to their credit, they’ve done a lot better since.

"Cowboys Junkie Lament" – Townes Van Zandt (Chosen by Dave)

This one we added ‘cause our dads would never forgive us if we didn’t. But, even so, we couldn’t deny old Townes’s talent even if we held 10 terminal degrees and wrote for every establishment rag from NYC to the LUD—which is to say, our old men are quite the music critics.

The other thing, of course, is that this track complements System of a Down’s "Roulette" perfectly. Whereas SOAD’s song is confusing and depressing, “Cowboys Junkie Lament” offers a bit of clarity. It creates a moment when the sadness begins to make sense, and somehow in making sense, it all seems far more manageable.

It’s kind of how we picture Ace’s healing process as he progresses out of our super-smarmy drama scene: Still down for his loss of heart, he’s discovered a way to put his experiences into perspective; he’s found a bit of wisdom, and from what we’ve read in “Screenwriting for Dummies,” that’s the kind of transformation that will make our imaginary movie shine.

"The Gambler" - Kenny Roger (Chosen by Mike)

Yes, we know it’s trite. And, yes, we know you were expecting it. But who could possibly conceive of making a gambling movie without this classic? It would definitely be as close a thing to blasphemy as we’ve got in the gaming world. And we wouldn’t be surprised if omitting the “Gambler” from a gambling-song playlist would make old Texas Dolly himself to issue a bull of excommunication.

Besides that, though, its stolid, building beat is exactly what’s called for as Ace finds the creamy center that compels him. Remembering what his poker teacher, Master Ho Pu, taught him high in the Himalaya’s—cue the mystical fog, subtitles and “Godzilla”-style lip sync—his teeth set and his gaze turns to steel. He’s ready to do a Crane Kick, a Dim Mak and a Buddha Palm all at once and tosses pocket aces chip-ward to cinch a perfect set.

OK, OK, so maybe mixing Country Western music with Hong Kong action cinema doesn’t make much sense, but after “Kill Bill” anything’s possible. And, anyhow, we have to do something to liven up the way we present this song. Rogers himself has created so many depictions of a couple of hobos on a train it’s gotten ridiculous. Case in point: A frickin’ Muppets “Gambler”—We’d give you the standard “What’s up with that?!” as a sendoff to this entry, but it’s so creepy we’re wondering if seeing it was some traumatic experience in our childhoods.

"The Angel and the Gambler" - Iron Maiden (Chosen by Tom)

Just in case you think we totally pulled this one out of our wazoos, we have to warn you: We’ve got shoeboxes of photos of both Mike and Tom in black-leather pants with hair down to their knees. We’re telling you, they were hardcore! In fact, the only thing harder core (or is it “hardcorer”?) are those pictures of a cherry red-haired, face-bepierced Phill blowing kisses from the crowd barrier at Pixies bassist Kim Deal.

But, seriously, why Iron Maiden? Well, because it fits the plot sequence we’ve been building since we got out of our AC/DC flashback. With his confidence rebuilt, Ace is now in the name-kickin’, arse-takin’ frame of mind. And as we speed up the cinematic pacing to show him handing out beats like they’re Gideon Bibles, we need some action-packed background tunes to set it off. Simply put, that’s what “The Angel and the Gambler” gives us.

And, speaking of Bibles, here’s your piece of trivia for this entry: Apparently, IM’s 1982 tour elicited ire from hyper-conservative preachers, who started a youth revival to “enlighten the young people as to the Satanic effects of rock ‘n’ roll music.” Thousands of American youngsters sent in records and t-shirts of the day’s leading headliners—including Iron Maiden, Ozzy Osborne and Michael Jackson—for burning. The funny thing is that today an original vinyl copy of “The Number of the Beast” can go for half a grand on eBay. No doubt someone’s building an extra chapel with the proceeds.

"House of the Rising Sun" – The Animals (Chosen by Tom)

For the final showdown between Dick and Ace, we’re going to take a page from Martin Scorsese’s playbook for “Casino.” Nothing has the power of this folk classic to convey the sense of dogged dispassion Ace would naturally feel while steadily grinding his opponent into the felt. And nothing, if you think about it, would seem scarier if you were Dick’s shoes.

Of course, we could go with any number of versions on this instead of sticking with The Animals’; there are version by Bob Dylan, Lead Belly, Joan Baez and even Sinead O’Connor. But we’re sticking with the Animals’ recording because it really is the best of the best. Dylan himself once said he liked it so much “he jumped out of his seat” when he heard it on his car radio, and many credit that moment as having influenced his shift to electric instruments. If a song has that kind of impact on the most important man in 20th century music, how could we possibly deny it?

"Bottle of Smoke" – The Pogues (Chosen by Phill)

Pulling this Irish-Punk classic from Phill’s personal record stash definitely shows our musicological prowess. In fact, it’s been so buried by the past quarter-century of rock history that we’d be amazed if anyone besides Phill still owns a copy. So consider our resuscitating it as similar to Quentin Tarantino’s bringing back Dick Dale’s “Misirlou”; feel blessed that you just so happened to stumble upon our little list and now have another darn-good drinking song for St. Pat’s.

But that’s not to say we chose it just to be music snobs. It really is a kickass tune that expresses the build-up to and exhilaration of pushing through a win despite being the dark horse. We see the song starting the moment Dick shows his final hand and Ace realizes he’s won. Suddenly the audience leaps to its feet, and the press crowds around to photograph the World Championship of Poker’s new No. 1. Champagne corks shoot across the room. All the pretty girls faint. Torn side-bet tickets rain down like confetti, and Ace raises his diamond-encrusted trophy high in defiance.

Can you see it? We know we can. Looks like there’s only one thing left to do with this entry: Give you some Pogues trivia. As for that, we’ll go with what seems like the funniest factoid of them all, that the band’s name is short for “Pogue Mahone.” And that, dear reader, is the Anglicization of “póg mo thóin,” the Irish for “Kiss my arse.”

"Blackjack" – Ray Charles (Chosen by Dave)

Another oldie-but-goodie, Ray Charles’s “Blackjack” is just what the doctor ordered for our falling-action sequence. It’s pure tonic to the gambler’s soul, expressing a desire to quit, a realization that that’ll never happen and a bit of ironic humor over the helplessness of it all. We imagine it playing during a scene in which Ace is off his rocker and driveling to a pretty blonde at the WCP after party when Dolly steps through the door.

Everything slows to a crawl as Ace assumes a deer-in-the-headlights look, but the music’s so loud we can’t hear a thing. All we can do, much like Ace, is watch Dolly shout something with the expression of a thousand she-demons while the frightened blonde inches out of her seat. Then, sensing the blonde’s utter trepidation, Dolly whacks the poor girl upside the head with her purse and struts out of the bar in a fury.

After that, what else can a man do but order another drink? And that’s exactly what Ace does after Dolly disappears. It’s just the kind of thing we could see the late Father of Soul doing as one of his many wives leaves him for the umpteenth time. After all, writing music like old Ray did takes life experience—the lowdown feelings at the heart of every great gambling song.

"Sam’s Town" - The Killers (Chosen by Phill)

The final song on our playlist has its detractors, but we’re not the kind of guys to let a little criticism change our opinions. We especially like the Abbey Road version from The Killer’s “For Reasons Unknown” single for its sweet, painful piano work. We can definitely see it playing in the final scene of an Ace Hoyle movie as Ace returns to his room alone. Watching him go through his pre-bed routine, we get the feeling that his fast life is getting to him. The emotion is so sad and pervasive that it looms like the brightly lit casino tower outside his window.

Perhaps you’re wondering how we could call this one a “gambling song,” though. And for that explanation, we need to go back to The Killers themselves. Las Vegas boys by origin, today’s premier “indie” rockers named the title track of their second album for the Sam’s Town casino. No doubt, somewhere in their past the band members have seen folks at this locals hotspot going through the same emotional turmoil expressed in the song. We could almost imagine a pre-fame Brandon Flowers writing the song on napkins while sitting beside a sloppy onetime poker champ in one of the joint’s many swilling halls.

By: Phill Provance
phill.provance@acehoyle.com

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